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Cayman Blogger
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...so, it was 1:30am and I was in an elevator leaving a rooftop club with my Hostess when the guy with the gorgeous Sofia-esque woman (we'll call her Sofia Jr.) started peppering my hot Hostess and I with obnoxious questions about whether we were together, whether we were lesbians, and they just got more intrusive from there. Under any other circumstances, I would have told him to f*** off, but I was very aware of Sofia Jr. just standing there quietly looking me up and down with a great amount of interest as I fired back witty responses to her obnoxious little friend. When we got to the ground floor and were about to go our separate ways, she finally piped up and asked where we were headed next. I couldn't help smiling because now I knew for sure that she was digging me and ready to do something about it, but I had a flight to catch in a matter of hours and I was with my Hostess who had left her car at my hotel, so I told Sofia Jr. we were done for the night and heading back to my hotel. Not to be deterred, she immediately responded that she had a key to the pool at my hotel (apparently members of the in crowd in hollywood have this key because the pool is totally secluded, so they like to party/skinny dip there in the wee hours of the morning) and that she would drive us back to my hotel and hit the pool with us.


Of course the oblivious guy (who had flown down from San Fran just for a second date with Sofia Jr., the lesbonic closet case) objected, but all the girls knew what was going on, so we just ignored him while we set off to try to find Sofia Jr.'s black Range Rover (since she had no idea where she parked it, or rather she had at least ten ideas on the subject, all of which were wrong, the biggest wrong idea being that she had driven to the club that night, which she hadn't). We spent the next 15 minutes drunkenly wandering the streets looking for the RR, with Sofia Jr. and I walking 20ft ahead of the guy and my Hostess while she clung to my arm whispering to me how much she wanted to come back to my hotel to "party" with me, but that we had to get rid of this guy who thought he was going home with her since he came all the way to LA just to visit her. Finally, the guy gets annoyed and comes up to us and starts whining about how tired he is and suggests they give up the hunt for the RR and walk or cab it back to Sofia Jr.'s place. Seeing an opportunity to get rid of him diplomatically we both say (probably with way too much enthusiasm) that we totally understand if he wants to cut out early to get some sleep and Sofia Jr. says she'll call him in the morning.


At this point, the guy starts to furrow his brow because he is slowly comprehending that something is going on, but he's not quite sharp enough to figure out what. So, he puts his arm around Sofia Jr. and says he thinks she should come with him and of course she says no, she wants to hang out with us. They go back and forth a few times and finally she shoots me a "save me" look, and since things couldn't possibly get any more awkward I say something like, "listen, the good news is your friend found someone she really wants to go home with tonight, the bad news is it's not you...but I'm sure she will call you in the morning." Suddenly he understands half of what's going on and as his face turns red and the veins start popping out of his neck, he grabs Sofia Jr. with both hands and starts shouting at her like she's deaf, "this D*** wants to F*** you! Do you get that??? Do you get what's going on??? This D*** wants to F*** you!!!" If he thought she would scream, throw her hands up in the air and run off into the night as fast as her legs could carry her, he was incorrect, except for that last part. What happened next all happened very fast: Sofia Jr. was shouting at the guy not to touch her, I was saying something snarky to him about my being pretty sure the feeling was mutual and my ridiculously awesome Hostess was trying to talk the hot pocket of rage down when all of the sudden Sofia Jr. grabbed my hand and took off sprinting away from this guy as fast as she could in her killer heels, dragging me in tow. We sprinted hand-in-hand for about two blocks (with the hot pocket chasing us for the first block, screaming at Sofia Jr. about what a B**** and a W**** she was) until we found a cab we could jump into.


When we finally stopped laughing long enough to breath, it dawned on me that we had left my poor little Hostess with the hot pocket from hell and I told Sofia Jr. we had to go back for her (even though we were definitely risking another altercation with the hot pocket). Praise be to Jesus it took us so long to get back to the corner we had left them on in our drunken haze, that by the time we got there, they were gone and shortly thereafter I got a text from my Hostess saying that she had grabbed a cab, remarking on what a "really fun night" it had been and what "a delight" I was (you can imagine my surprise when I called her the next day to apologize and she informed me that her text hadn't been sarcastic at all and proceeded tell me that she had never met anyone quite like me, explaining, "you're like this hot, hilarious rockstar...but you're so smart and such an awesome person at the same time," leaving me to ponder for the rest of the day how highly she must have thought of me before I ditched her with the hot pocket). At any rate, after three more loops in the cab trying to locate the RR that had never left Sofia Jr.'s driveway, I finally put my foot down and told her I was calling off the search over her emphatic objections. I gave her the option of being dropped off at her place or coming back to my hotel with me, prompting her to grunt in frustration (because she was convinced her car was going to be towed), hold her hands up like claws and hiss at me through her clenched jaw, "I just want to punch you, tear you up and kiss you all at the same time." "Okay," I said, "so, I'm gonna take that as a yes on my hotel."


It wasn't long before we were snuggled up in bed with a bottle of wine and she was telling me all about her existence as a gorgeous closet case in hollywood and the relationships she had had with certain closet case actresses over the years. The only woman I heard about who isn't still in the closet (i.e. who had the integrity to be honest and do right by the woman she loved even though she knew she would pay a big price for it) is lindsay lohan, so she is the only one I'll mention, just to give her props for having so much more integrity than her closet case peers in hollywood. Both Sofia Jr. and Tyler Shields couldn't say enough about how smart lindsay is and what a sweetheart she is, but her courage on the being out in hollywood front is really above and beyond in that world. I'm also in her corner, of course, because she has great taste in cars, which goes a very long way with me, the latest example being the Cayman S she was driving pre-rehab. So, back to the closet cases, it turns out Sofia Jr. had been having a relationship on the DL for the last three years with a very beautiful actress (the only hint I will give is that she has a famous actor father) and it all ended a few months back when they went away together and this actress was driving an Audi A8 at 100+ in a 35 and Sofia Jr. kept begging her to slow down, which she wouldn't and they ended up in a really bad accident that was so traumatic she can't talk about it without bursting into tears and she still has physical injuries from it. So, yeah...that sort of ended the relationship (and you won't find anything online about the accident because it happened out in the middle of nowhere, so the press never found out about it) and according to her, the whole agreeing to go out on a couple dates with the hot pocket was a direct result of the PTSD.


In the morning she explained while I packed, "As soon as I saw you, I started wondering what I was doing with him, and the more you talked, the worse it got." When I started laughing and told her a few of my choice stories about this effect I have on closet cases that makes them want to come clean after years of suppressing their lesbonic leanings (from a british airways stewardess, to a ridiculously hot westchester housewife I sat next to on a flight to London to a well-known broadway actress daughter of a client) she asked, "so, I was just totally typecast?""Pretty much, tiger, pretty much," I said nodding as a string of irate text messages from the hot pocket hit her phone. After she read them out loud and we had a good laugh, she said, "you know what the best part is? he will suffer this humiliation totally alone because he will be too embarrassed to ever tell any of his friends what happened." (to be clear, we only saw this as a good thing because he was a dbag, if he was a nice person we wouldn't have wanted him to suffer alone) "You know what's even better?" she asked laughing hysterically now at the thought in her head, "for the rest of his life, he is going to tell himself that I was too drunk to understand that I was going home with a lesbian and that I really caused that whole scene because I was that excited about hanging out by the pool at your hotel." Truer words were never spoken.



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I wonder if I'm the only one that thinks these posts have less and less to do with sharing your car experiences, and more and more to do with stroking your ego...
 

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Cayman Blogger
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Discussion Starter #3
Well, they definitely have less to do with my car experiences because I'm not on the road anymore (had to come back to the reality of my life eventually, sad, but true). And while I was planning to stop blogging when my trip ended I was really humbled by the amount of people who got in touch with me after my Home Sweet Home post to ask me to keep writing because they just enjoyed my writing style and humor so much. In the beginning, my audience was largely Porsche people, but then it grew to encompass so many people I met on the road and so many lawyers when above the law did that article that I just have a really broad audience of people now who get a kick out of my stories regardless of whether or not my car is in them. So, I've been trying to do at least one post a month to keep them somewhat entertained. Writing doesn't really do anything for my ego, the only goal I ever have when it comes to writing a post is to provide a little escapism and hopefully make people laugh out loud at least once, ideally twice.
 

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That was you who got left behind by Sofia Jr. wasn't it ??
:) No, it wasn't. Though I did feel sorry for the guy.

Overall, I just didn't understand what the point of the story was.
 

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Cayman Blogger
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Discussion Starter #7
JCay and bh, Glad you were amused and entertained, since that was the ultimate objective ;-)

Cayman S, sorry if my story telling was too subtle and nuanced for you, but the guy who (in a public place I might add) called the perfectly nice lesbian a "dyke" repeatedly and screamed at the woman who wouldn't be pressured into sleeping with him on a second date what a "bitch" and a "*****" she was while chasing her down the street after manhandling her, was not a sympathetic character. I'll try not to hide the ball so much next time.
 

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I too am finding these post so off the automotive subject matter of this site that it's ridiculous. I would have hoped a moderator would have stepped in by now and stopped them. They belong on a lesbian porn site somewhere not on Planet 9. And for those who do enjoy them, maybe the author can redirect you to a site like that. For me.....it's just stupid. How would the guys who do enjoy it like a gay man version of their sexual adventures posted. I'm not judging. Different strokes for different folks, just not here. Stop already.
 

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I too am finding these post so off the automotive subject matter of this site that it's ridiculous. I would have hoped a moderator would have stepped in by now and stopped them. They belong on a lesbian porn site somewhere not on Planet 9. And for those who do enjoy them, maybe the author can redirect you to a site like that. For me.....it's just stupid. How would the guys who do enjoy it like a gay man version of their sexual adventures posted. I'm not judging. Different strokes for different folks, just not here. Stop already.
I am actually inclined to agree with you, these blog posts are not very relevant to what is normally discussed here. The Cayman is more of a passing mention and any other car make/model could easily be substituted without changing the point of the story. This has since been brought to the moderators' attention and we are discussing it. Ultimately the decision will be up to K-Man S.

Please keep in mind that the moderators can't always keep an eye on every single thread and post that gets generated every day and we rely on the members to report any posts that they have a problem with. We do look at every reported post, so as long as you feel the report is justified, or even if you have a question about the validity of a post, feel free to report it.
 

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Cayman S, sorry if my story telling was too subtle and nuanced for you, but the guy who (in a public place I might add) called the perfectly nice lesbian a "dyke" repeatedly and screamed at the woman who wouldn't be pressured into sleeping with him on a second date what a "bitch" and a "*****" she was while chasing her down the street after manhandling her, was not a sympathetic character. I'll try not to hide the ball so much next time.
Ketch Me, it's hard to feel nearly as sympathetic towards you as I felt towards him. The story telling wasn't too subtle and nuanced for me, but I'm not surprised to see an asinine attempt to take a swipe at me for no reason other than I'm not enamored with your posts and don't see you as the heroine. Your delusion of grandeur is really something...there's very little in your writing that demonstrates the behavior of a perfectly nice lesbian as far as I can tell.

Reading your stories is a huge turn off. The dearth of comments on your posts should give you a clue about their lack of appeal to the Planet 9 audience. In the two episodes I've read - both of which follow the same already tired, contrived script - you're constantly stroking yourself and putting your rivals (real or imagined) down. You seem to particularly revel in the humiliation that you cause them and the ego boost that it gives you in a public setting.

So I believe it's been about six months since you lost your job and started on this journey - seeing where the quest to find more meaning in your life has taken you is like watching a train wreck. I hope the moderators will cancel your column - it has absolutely no place here.
 

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Ketch Me, I am certainly not offended by your stories(makes my life seem a little mundane), but this is a car forum and sometimes I just don't quite understand why you are posting here. If I posted a similar hetero story I suspect Ken might pull the plug on me.;):cheers:
 

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Hmmm this is a Guest Column under General Discussions - not an automotive Cayman thread. No difference than the other Guest Columnists except that there are 2 with very little updates. At least Ketch Me is fulfilling her Guest Columnist duties.

I can care less about reading up on electric cars either but it is in the other column. Then there are threads on motorcycles, minis, fitting people into front trunk / rear hatch, etc. Either way you look at it, you get the personality of the Guest Columnist. If it does not interest you - do not read it.

So far to me, it is amusing and I will keep on reading. When I get bored of it - I will stop.
 

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It is interesting and quite fascinating, and I do read it. I suppose posting here exposes the adventure to a wider audience, but I still don't really get it. I quess I've always thought even general items would have more of a motoring flavor. I live and learn!
 

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Hmmm this is a Guest Column under General Discussions - not an automotive Cayman thread. No difference than the other Guest Columnists except that there are 2 with very little updates. At least Ketch Me is fulfilling her Guest Columnist duties.

I can care less about reading up on electric cars either but it is in the other column. Then there are threads on motorcycles, minis, fitting people into front trunk / rear hatch, etc. Either way you look at it, you get the personality of the Guest Columnist. If it does not interest you - do not read it.

So far to me, it is amusing and I will keep on reading. When I get bored of it - I will stop.
That's fine. Ultimately, it's up to Ken and his moderators to clarify what the boundaries are. The description of the off-topic area of General Discussions clearly states: "Items of a general nature, however, No Religious topics, no Politics, and nothing of a sexual nature. All forum rules still apply, this is not a free-for-all." I'm assuming these are the general forum rules, and that different rules don't apply to guest columns. Guess we'll see shortly.

For my part, I've already made the decision to stop reading Ketch Me's posts going forward.
 

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Discussion Starter #17
Croctor, Just to get back to you re: your comment/question about why I post here, I actually publish my posts on my own blog (drivingwithgusto.blogspot.com), which is where I get most of my traffic, and then my blog is re-published here because people on this site seem to enjoy reading it. So, while I love my Cayman S to death (and so still try to work pictures of it and adventures in it into my blog whenever possible), at this point I'm writing for a broader audience that goes straight to my blog website to read my posts, and this forum is secondary to that. k
 

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Croctor, Just to get back to you re: your comment/question about why I post here, I actually publish my posts on my own blog (drivingwithgusto.blogspot.com), which is where I get most of my traffic, and then my blog is re-published here because people on this site seem to enjoy reading it. So, while I love my Cayman S to death (and so still try to work pictures of it and adventures in it into my blog whenever possible), at this point I'm writing for a broader audience that goes straight to my blog website to read my posts, and this forum is secondary to that. k
I'm not complaining, just curious.;):cheers:
 

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Sorry I have been away and subject to unexpected delays. First things first, the guest column picks up ketch me's blog through an automated feed that was turned on when her journey started but should have been turned off when the journey ended and i simply forgot to do so and I don't know that my moderators have the ability to do that. I'll do it when i return and we'll simply leave a redirect to ketch me's blog for anyone who wants to read her future stuff, it just won't be auto published here because yes it is too far off topic now for a guest column, speaking of which, we should have a new column up by another author when I return.
Wish me luck tomorrow in getting Discovery to orbit! ;)
 

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Thread closed. Ken has resolved the situation and there is nothing more to add.

killswitch, I've removed your post for now. Please keep the following rule in mind:

Exercise common sense and be considerate toward your fellow users. Diversity of opinion and intelligent civil discourse is encouraged; by the same token, insults and “flaming” are not tolerated. Disagreeing with an idea of another community member is different from attacking that individual.
Thank you.
 
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